Provision

So, I have a confession to make. Of all the so-called crazy adventures that I've been on, this whole trip to Sudan has been the one I've been the least confident about going on. Looking back on previous times in my life when I made the decisions to 1) go on a trip to Haiti, 2) move in with strangers to a house in innner-city Atlanta, and 3) sign up to volunteer for a year in post-Katrina New Orleans -- I always made those choices having had a pretty sure conviction that that was the step God was leading me to take. In lots of different ways, it had truly seemed that the Lord gave me pretty tangible confirmation in each of those circumstances that He was in fact opening a door for me to walk through. Which of course gave me a lot of peace once I was in those places, knowing that even if things were difficult, I was where I was supposed to be.

But this time, things have been different. When I first heard about the trip, I immediately WANTED to go, but I had no reason to think I actually SHOULD go. I'm pretty sure that I'd want to go on almost any opportunity that presented itself to travel to another country, so it's not like desire itself was much of a confirmation factor to me. But once I found out that my AmeriCorps project was going to end 4 months earlier than it was originally supposed to, then I actually seriously started thinking about going since I no longer had a job commitment keeping me in Austin this summer. And yet, as I pondered and prayed about whether I should sign up or not, I never received any major "signs" directing me to go or not go. No convenient Bible verses during my devotion time that read "Go to Africa." No seemingly Divinely orchestrated conversation with a stranger that mentioned Sudan. I didn't know if I should really be going or not, or if this was just an example of my desire for periodic adrenaline rushes or new and exciting adventures. Eventually it was commit-or-miss-the-boat time though, and I finally just said "yes" - feeling like it was a good work to be a part of, and that if I really wasn't "supposed" to go, then God would have made that known.

But then came the question of how to pay for the trip. My AmeriCorps job for the past year had pretty much just provided a living stipend, not an actual salary... so the savings I'd been able to put away had been pretty slim. Even if I emptied my bank account, I wasn't going to have enough to pay for all the expenses on my own. The rest of the team was raising support (the Christian term for fundraising), but I really wasn't so hot on that idea. After having done that so much already in the past few years, I felt like it was time to stop asking people to fund the work I was doing... particularly when I couldn't say definitely that God had "called me to go" on this trip. I truly do believe in the members of the Church taking care of each others' needs and each contributing their part to the work of the Kingdom, so I think I would have been much more alright in doing traditional support raising if I'd had more "spiritual direction" for wanting to go. But truth is, I'm probably less confident in evangelism now than I've ever been… and my reasons for wanting to go were much more personal than ministry-oriented. (Well, actually, that gets into the whole idea of WHAT ministry is, which is an area where my beliefs have changed a lot in the past few years. In a different way, my heart is completely ministry-oriented in why I want to go, but not religiously-oriented.) But nonetheless, plane tickets weren't going to buy themselves, so I had to figure out how to cover my expenses. In the end, I decided to not do fundraising in the way that I had before… with the exception being a few folks who I knew would want to give if they knew I was going, so I felt o.k. letting them know what was up. Instead, I simply told folks that I was on a team going to Sudan, and trusted that somehow God would indeed provide the money if this was supposed to happen.

And… incredibly-but-not-really-surprising-because-God-is-gracious-like-that… all the money was provided. And it definitely happened in ways that I would never have guessed. Almost a third of the money was given by people in my church small group – folks who I didn't even know 7 months ago, but who have loved me so much as we've learned about Sudan together these past months, and who really believed in me being on the team. Almost another third came from a handful of generous people who I see less than once a year, and yet who wanted to be a part of this work. I was able to cover for another third on my own by picking up some extra shifts at my job. And the rest came from some good friends who, while young and themselves not well off, are passionate about fostering goodness and Life – and thus gave what they could to support our trip.

Looking back on it, my faith and my heart are so encouraged to see how God has been more than faithful to extend His provision to me through the generosity of others, particularly during a time in life when I've done my share of spiritual questioning. It increases my confidence in the grandness and goodness of the Lord – that He's not going to stop caring for me just because I'm taking less traditional roads to Him lately… and that while my skepticism of organized religion may be well-founded, I'm not a fool for trusting that Christ is indeed Truth and Life. Doubtful of cultural Christendom?, perhaps. But my soul has been made too alive for me to ever renounce the reality of Jesus Himself, and the amazing Restoration that I continue to see played out every day.

Spiritually, I remain in a place where the questions continue to come, and where I long for greater wisdom and am eager to learn so much more than I know. But tonight, I've experienced Provision, and am thus grateful to the Provider.

And it makes me all the more excited to see what else lies ahead once we actually get to Sudan. :)